I have been told My entire life that I have a tone, I have a tone that makes Me sound like I am better than everyone, makes it sound like I am a bitch, and makes Me sound mean. I have been told to watch My tone, that it hurts people. I have worked very hard, especially over the last 3 years, to be careful with My tone, to watch what I say and how I say it – and frankly, I have gotten used to apologizing for what I say before anyone has criticized Me, or even pre-empting what I say with a warning about My potential tone.
When little one and I talked, she told Me that something that helps her feel more submissive, or puts her in her place is tone. This makes sense. I have given her direction in the past, or told her to do something – and she hasn’t listened. Now, a part of that was My consistency on following through when she didn’t obey, and another potential is that I never gave direction with a firm tone. It isn’t that I speak weakly, it’s that it’s without that sense of immediacy or urgency.
It’s frustrating, in a way, in My life I have been told about My tone, and My word choice – and how I need to be nice, be kind, collaborate with people, be a team play etc. So now, I find Myself in a situation where I want to revert to the tone I used to use, but that was criticized basically out of My personality. I know it’s there, I know I am that person, I just don;t know how to balance that confident Dominance I know I possess, with the maturity and more quiet like nature I have now. My failing impacts little one, and that impacts Me, and then we both feel down and disconnected and it all goes to hell. I feel like everything rides on My coattails, but at the same time – I need her to give too.
I feel like I am floundering…and yet in every other area of My life I have more confidence now than I ever have.